Every few years it seems that I go through a cycle where I question all of my beliefs and wonder if I am on the right path. This past cycle of it I have come to terms with the fact that I do not identify with the “Pagan” term any longer. Polytheist seems to be more appropriate for me these days in terms of what my spiritual beliefs are. As I have progressed on my path over the years I have gotten to the point where I don’t feel like I fit in with most of the witches and Pagans in my area. Attending rituals and classes they offer has not brought me a sense of community or comfort. Instead I feel a sense of emptiness and find myself checking the clock to see when it will be over. I get tired of listening to the same topics recycled over and over again, listening to a woman speak about the Triple Goddess model which is inherently patriarchal and non-inclusive of trans-women, women that have chosen not to have children or those like myself who are tired of being limited by what their bodies can do. I’m more than just a womb to grow a child, why do I have to be limited to a Maiden until I have children? And why is it that once my menses cease I have to be delegated to be a Crone? I’m so much more than that. After I discovered the Five Fold model proposed by Lasara Firefox Allen in her book Jailbreaking the Goddess I have been able to expand and learn more about the archetypes that we women can hold in our lifetime.
I am also called to go beyond the gender binary that is so prevalent in so many Pagan circles these days. I am tired of hearing about how an energy is “masculine” or “feminine”. Maybe it’s just a fucking plant that has it’s own energy beyond male or female. When I hear these phrases it irks me because I know that non-binary folks are being excluded because they don’t work in those labels. Perhaps it’s my small rural area that I am finding a lack of understanding in these topics that are becoming important to me. Try to bring up cultural appropriation or racism in the Pagan community here and you get shouts of “Not all white people” or “That cultural appropriation stuff is made up”.
I want more than what the General Pagan population here is offering. I want to be able to hold a conversation with a fellow witch about these issues and more and not get the “love and light” crap thrown at me when I try to bring up hard conversations. Until such a time that I can find that community I will continue to work my magick on my own, find engaging online communities to communicate with and hope that one of these days I will find my people that I can finally feel that sense of belonging with.